8am AGAIN!! ah fuck ... sigh

We went on a couple of tours while in VN. The memorable ones were Củ Chi tunnels and Halong Bay. I will refer to wiki to provide a description of each.

Củ Chi tunnels:
"The tunnels of Củ Chi are an immense network of connecting underground tunnels located in the Củ Chi district of Ho Chi Minh City (Saigon), Vietnam, and are part of a much larger network of tunnels that underlie much of the country. The Củ Chi tunnels were the location of several military campaigns during the Vietnam War, and were the Viet Cong's base of operations for the Tết Offensive in 1968. The tunnels were used by Viet Cong guerrillas as hiding spots during combat, as well as serving as communication and supply routes, hospitals, food and weapon caches and living quarters for numerous guerrilla fighters. The role of the tunnel systems should not be underestimated in its importance to the Viet Cong in resisting American operations and protracting the war, eventually culminating in an American withdrawal."

Halong Bay:
"Ha Long Bay (literally: Descending Dragon bay; Vietnamese: Vịnh Hạ Long) is a UNESCO World Heritage Site, and a popular travel destination, located in Quảng Ninh province, Vietnam. The bay features thousands of limestone karsts and isles in various sizes and shapes. According to local legend, when the Vietnamese were fighting Chinese invaders, the gods sent a family of dragons to help defend the land. This family of dragons began spitting out jewels and jade. These jewels turned into the islands and islets dotting the bay, linking together to form a great wall against the invaders. The people kept their land safe and formed what later became the country of Vietnam. After that, dragons were interested in peaceful sightseeing of the earth, and then decided to live here. The place where the mother dragon descended was named Hạ Long, the place where the dragon's children attended upon their mother was called Bái Tử Long island, and the place where the dragon's children wriggled their tails violently was called Bạch Long Vỹ island."

To summarize, Củ Chi tunnels is where Viet Cong played hide and seek with "devil Ameicans" (side note: we watched a grainy video from the 70s (or something) of straight up communist propaganda. In short the devil Americans sent bombs from Washington, DC to kill innocent women and children. We found it hilarious!) and Halong Bay is where beautiful shit is. So there you have it.

A cross section view of the elaborate Củ Chi tunnel system. These tunnels were pretty impressive and with a little redecorating and a Swifter it could be transformed to The Forum Shops at Caesars... Generally, Vietnamese are small people, but how did they fit in there? And what address did the Viet Congs use to order delivery?? Dialog of a VC ordering Papa Johns "walk along the river and after you past the third tree from the rock make a left and walk down a tunnel... ok Nguyen, we'll be there in 30mins, guaranteed or your pie is on us!".

"Oh Nguyen, do you want 3 Coca Cola light with your order of a large meat lovers pizza??"

An air hole which allowed ventilation in these tunnels. Or diarrhea poop from a dragon, if the dragon shat mud...

Mike trying to escape the smell of my fart.... These tunnels have been expanded for tourist and they were still tight for an average size guy like me. Some of the guys reading this would have no shot it hell... you know who you are! We all took a tour (imagine walking while swatting) of the tunnels and I nearly passed out of exhaustion (let's just say the tour guide was very concerned for me.). Towards the end, I had to hop like a frog (channeling inner Tadpole).


Where did Mikey go? Yo Jay-Z and TI, holla at our boy!!



Welcoming back Mikey with open arms.


A complete tour should be followed by shooting machine guns, so we decided to shoot some shit. AK-47s and M-60s in hand.

"I dare you refer to me as female Marvin Martian again, try me bitch boy!!"


"Three pigeons and counting."

"Must destroy all pleated pants and baggy jeans."

The boat we took to Halong Bay. Someone is much more relaxed after shooting shit...

Tôi là vua Halong Bay, bitches!

Planning another early morning activity, grrrrr crazy American devils (side note: the three people you see behind Mike and Nhung are Ken, Mimi, and hot Japanese girl. Ken's a retired business man that loves his wife dearly. He now travels with his wife and has played golf all over the world. Apparently his wife plans everything and his job is just to show up. Mimi is originally from Osaka but now lives in Tokyo. She's adventurous and is interviewing for a job in Indonesia. Next is the Hot Japanese girl. She's F-I-N-E-E. I think she is also fluent in Spanish)

They served us lunch and I decided to order a bottle of wine. After lunch, I took the remaining bottle of wine into our cavern tour. BYOB Well that got rejected pretty quickly. Nhung told me they said something like "what the fuck is he doing?!?". At that point we already polished off several Tiger beers. Alcohol good in belly.

"Mimi, this is my I'm a sexy pouty bitch pose...."

I was Mimi kayaking partner during our tour. I suggested to her we kayak back to Han oi. She calls my bluff and responded by saying how bout Japan? hahaha. Let's do it! Hey buddy, do you have a washer and dryer in there?? We're going to Japan and need some fresh underwear. Can we borrow that fishing net too? We gots to eat suhn.

Floating house on water with unfinished basements...

Beautiful views of Halong Bay.

Even more beautiful views of Halong Bay. woof woof!

The cavern at Halong Bay. The tour guide was telling us some of the rock formation in the cavern have meaning and are shaped like animals, people etc. This one represents virility (can you guys find the rock?). The girls in the picture above surely didn't hurt.

This one is a sitting Buddha. Use your imagination.

On our way back to Han oi, the booze kicked in and Mike had to drain the lizard. He was only at def con level 2. Nhung and I weren't really worried since he was only at def con 2. Well, Ken layed the smack down and told the bus driver to pull over. Ken ain't playin. He's O.G. bitches!

"Is that a pigeon??" Don't piss on your food suhn. Mike's piss took exactly 5 mins and 21 seconds. That boy gotta bladder on him.

Time to eat. For only 39,000 dong you can fry a friend. Which "Friend Fried" should we have with our french fries?

Fuck it, let's get bahn mi instead. Seat belts not required for baguette when riding mopeds. I would insert a joke here about the size of the baguette and Nhung, but I saw her handle that AK-47 like female Rambo. I don't wanna become the next Friend Fried.

Does this bahn mi contain Friend Fried??

Frogger

Nhung and Mike were fun traveling partners. They provided humor and put up with me being me. Thanks guys, I would travel with guys any time. Just exclude me from activities that start at 8am.... I ain't no farmer. Han oi, VN was quite a place. Exotic, chaotic, and fascinating. First adjustment was learning how to cross a street. It's like playing "Frogger" and chicken at the same time. Why did Mikey cross the road? To buy cigarettes and nicotine patches. We ain't scured.



I never saw ANY accidents. With the exception of Nhung's moped crash. Imagine female "Marvin the Martian" crashing a moped (Nhung is a small girl and the helmet looked so big on her). Luckily no one was physically hurt including the bahn me. However, 5 older Vietnamese men seemed emotionally traumatized by the scene.



View from a taxi. Those gray bags are full of bud, let torch that shit! Kumar, work your lighter.


Views from a cyclo. It feels like riding on the handlebars of a bike if the handlebars were a diner bench seat. Straight up vinyl, suhn.


Vietnamese cuisine is some of the best food I've had. Man it was sooo good. I didn't have one bad meal. Mike getting pho-ed up.



The rooster (next to his moped) that impregnated the chicken for Mike's pho. That's how they do in VN!


A complete meal should be followed by coffee. We decided to be ballers and drink only the finest coffee called kopi luwak (translation weasel coffee), it's the most expensive coffee in the world. Baiscally, it's coffee berries that passed thru the digestive tracts of a weasel. That's right, some weasel had to eat berries and shoot it out of its ahole (f-off PETA). That shit was gooood. No pun indented.

Let's do this shit!


That coffee ain't paying for itself.

After a long day of work and working it. Time for some cold ones.

Our new Aussie friends. They were recently married and were on their honeymoon. We learned a couple of things that night. Dave likes to drink, recorded a spoof song about white boys rapping which got airtime (he's now recording an album with his band in a studio where INSX recorded), and can make a bowl with one hand tied behind his back... (almost). His wife does not like being called Sandi (or was it Simone), formally from Vancouver, and doesn't like being left without keys to the hotel room and without any money. We also confirmed that toilet water flushes clockwise in Australia and Aussies don't drink Fosters cause its crap (Chalk one up for higher learning).

After a long night of drinking, it was time to get some eats. No McDeez for us, fuck dat. We do street food. This street food restaurant was something special. Plastic tables and chairs with the restaurant floor covered in carcass and trash. We channeled our inner Andrew Zimmerman and order pork chops and roasted pigeon. Mike Tyson wants to race pigeon, while we wants them dead and roasted on our plates. I can confirm roasted pigeon tastes like chicken with the gaminess of duck.









Eating summer rolls while getting a pedi right before a massage. The massage was relaxing and interesting. First you're completely nude (which I prefer) and during the thigh message, she kept grazing my boyz. Nhung got the same treatment (her girls), while Mike didn't. I dunno. When in Rome do what the Romans do, adjust your appendages... accordingly.

After he tore up that pigeon like it was popeyes cajun goodness, Mikey gave us a fun little history lesson on Hồ Chí Minh Mausoleum. I'll let wiki explain. "In his will, Ho Chi Minh stated his wish to be cremated and to have his ashes scattered in the hills of north, central, and southern Vietnam. He said that he preferred cremation because it would be "more hygienic than burial and would also save land for agricultural purposes". The mausoleum was built in spite of his wishes." Funny. Well what is he gonna do, he's dead.

Changing of the guards. Outfit straight from the Sean John collection, Communist chic.


Oh pics of cool architecture in Han oi.